WELCOME TO MY VICTORIAN WORLD. In answer to the question I'm often asked...
DID WE INVITE MEN TO AN AFTERNOON TEA?
YES WE DID! I hear your gasps of astonishment as many associate Afternoon Tea with an all-female gathering. Traditionally it was. A small group of us gossiping over a cup of tea and a few nibbles in a LADY'S PRIVATE ROOMS. What fun we had!
However, as the Afternoon Tea Party gained in popularity so too did numbers and we began hosting them in larger spaces such as our parlours or weather permitting, the garden. I remember by the 1860’s our Tea Party’s were so popular WE OFTEN HAD OVER 30 GUESTS!
WHY DID YOU INVITE MEN TO AFTERNOON TEA
Because an Afternoon Tea Party provided THE PERFECT OPPORTUNITY FOR A LITTLE MATCHMAKING. Finding a possible suitor for your daughter or niece was tricky business back then so what better place to make an introduction than an innocent little tea party. We didn’t offer alcohol at Afternoon Tea so everyone was on their best behaviour.
In Victorian times it was all about being seen, you’d always be looking your impeccable best and aiming to be invited to as many tea parties as possible. Your intention was to climb the social ladder and looking the part was paramount!
Eligible young men were difficult to find, sadly the Crimean and Boer Wars had seen to that. A private Afternoon Tea party was therefore an ideal opportunity to secure the presence of single men in the hope of finding a suitable husband for your daughters.
FINDING A DUCHESS FOR MY SON
This also worked the other way round, using an Afternoon Tea to find the perfect bride for your son. This is how it was for me. MY SON WAS A DUKE and one of the wealthiest young bachelors in the country. He was only 21 when he became the 6th Duke of Portland and I knew the young ladies would come flocking, along with their greedy mothers!
As Hostess of my Tea Parties, I could keep a tight rein on who I introduced to the young Duke. It was most important I choose carefully for ONCE LUCKY YOUNG LADY WOULD BECOME A DUCHESS! Every young girls dream… other than being a Princess. As a Duchess you're not far off Royalty!
I would be looking to invite young ladies of good breeding from a well-off and well-respected family. BEAUTY, CHARM AND INTELLIGENCE were also desirable along with, bearing in mind she might soon be part of the family, an utterly agreeable mother! One had absolutely no desire for a pushy mother-in-law in the family, NO MATTER HOW MUCH MONEY THEY HAD!
MONEY MONEY MONEY
Absolutely top of the list when inviting potential suitors for your daughter or son to your Tea Party! Being seen to have the largest, numerous properties with the most expensive of everything in them is WHAT EVERY UPPER-CLASS HOUSEHOLD WAS STRIVING FOR.
IF YOU'VE GOT IT, FLAUNT IT!
We all brought out our most expensive China Tea sets for an Afternoon Tea Party But I have to say, the men took it one step further. It became popular for the gentleman of the house to have his portrait painted alongside his cherished and outrageously expensive tea set. Personally, I prefer looking at a nice family portrait, but money does strange things to people.
MONEY AND A TITLE IS EVERYTHING
A man with MONEY AND A TITLE to go with it! That’s what you're looking for. A title was utterly desirable and usually brought money and property along with it.
A word of warning however about young men with titles. You would be wise to do a little research as to his wealth status before contemplating any introductions. Inheritance money was often foolishly squandered and all that was left was a title. A TITLE ALONE ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH. Money AND a title. Most important!
BEAUTY AND THE BEAST
Regarding a male suitor, I’m often asked at my Afternoon Tea Etiquette Talk if good looks were essential. I hate to say this but looks weren’t top of the list. I repeat, money and a title… that’s what mattered. GOOD LOOKS WERE A BONUS, nothing more!
I was once asked if a potential suitor had to have his own set of teeth! I can’t say I’ve ever considered this, but bearing in mind what I’ve just said, I’ll leave you to come to your own conclusion!
AND WHAT OF LOVE
WHAT'S LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT? Fine clothes, jewellery, freedom to travel and financial security, these were top of the list… for MOST that is! I was privileged to marry a kind, honest man… rather handsome too, and WE WERE FORTUNATE TO MARRY FOR LOVE. I say fortunate, for marrying solely for money got you nowhere… it usually led to a very lonely existence!
And just to clarify, in my attempts to find a suitable bride for my son I FAILED MISERABLY. He fell head over heels in love with the rather charming and quite beautiful Winifred Dallas-Yorke. She didn't quite have the social standing I'd have liked, but what could I say... it would've been rather hypocritical of me to object!
THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING ERNEST
It was always refreshing to invite young poets, writers, painters and musicians to your Tea Parties. A young Oscar Wilde was one of my favourite guests whose colourful conversation had us captivated for hours.
But do bear in mind, there was no money in art. Perfect guests for entertainment value and who understandably used our parties to gain a little financial backing for their latest ‘piece’, but remember it’s A TITLE you’re after NOT TALENT!
ON A FINAL NOTE...
I know our Victorian matchmaking system may seem a little cold to some, but these were insecure times and if an Afternoon Tea Party provided an opportunity to secure your family's future, then so be it, GENTLEMEN WERE MOST WELCOME...
But let's not get carried away.
We ladies continued with our regular little Afternoon Tea gatherings in the privacy of a lady's private rooms. I mean, where better to discuss which men you should invite to your next Tea Party!
Now please, if there’s any thing else you’d like to find out about my Victorian Afternoon Tea experiences, DO leave a comment or get in touch.
I’d simply love to hear from you.
Until next time my dear friends.
Yours Truly
The Victorian Afternoon Tea Lady
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